saying goodbye?

warning: this post violates the "reason" behind this blog, which is to post Brand New Thoughts.

anyhoo--
i don't know why i can't just get over it; but i read dcs's blog today. a posting in february begins like this: "in some ways, breaking up with lee lee was easy..." my first thought was -- hey, no it wasn't! and my second -- what a loser jerk asshole not-a-father lovesick hopeless romantic immature jerkoff this former "love of my life" is...

in further thinking, i'm wondering: A) to which breakup does he refer? and, B) why am i okay with women in 19th c. novels not wanting to be mothers post-children, but not okay with this 21st c. situation i have put myself in. bottom line: dave and i chose to make a baby, not to have a child together. but--obviously--it's not that black & white. will i always wonder why he chose to donate that sperm? or, will dave some day grow up & decide he wants to make a decision. (read: making a decision entails choosing not to be a part of your biological child's life, NOT ignoring the fact that you have a child in the first place).

to be frank, i am past the point where i can sit around and wait on this fatal (?) decision to be made. i have to do what's best for my child (coincidentally, this is also what's best for me, my partner and the rest of my family); i have to move on with my life.

but, let me point out--lest you think i'm not aware--that i lucked out in this whole thing. i made a selfish choice, forever entangling myself with a self-absorbed & not self-aware person and instead of being spanked or forever banished to hell like i should've been...i get HENRI. wow. i must have done something spectacular in a previous life...in all of my previous lives.