a wedding, among other things

i admit; i was slightly annoyed when i found out i had to attend a wedding the weekend after moving into a new apartment, and that the wedding was four hours away, and that the wedding was a, well, wedding. because, honestly, i wouldn't have wanted to go to ANY wedding at any time in any place. but mark already knows that, so i figured if he asked me to go it was pretty important. i am learning more about this compromise thing all the time.

it turns out there are a Few Good Things about weddings, which makes it hard for me to complain that i had to go to a wedding; however, i can easily combat those things with something ridiculous, annoying or disappointing:

• Good--Toasts. i soooo love this literary outpouring of feelings by everyone who's ever known the groom/bridge. well, really it seemed to be limited to a few key people--but more than i thought would be allowed to speak for a lengthy amount of time while dinner was not being served so that they could outpour their feelings. but, truly, do not omit these from your wedding (just serve the food DURING instead of AFTER) because i didn't know one single thing about either the bride or groom prior to these toasts (though, i could presume they were the "hip" and down-to-earth sort of couple from their choice of locale and "not another wedding" url for their wedding website). whereas, afterwards, i really knew that they were hip and down to earth. i also learned about their shared love of books & music and that dave matthews band isn't cool to like anymore (ever?). oops....do not mention that i like DMB at my wedding when you give the toast!!! in fact, of all the things i did not absolutely hate about this wedding, the toasts are definitely the thing that would get me to say I Do in public once again. only this time, i'd skip the singing, crying, walking down the aisle and the 15 cakes on an antique planter, and just ask everyone to show up and read a toast. but, i guess i will save this for my funeral. (you will understand this when you've finished this post)
  
• Bad--the humanist wedding statement and a very philosophical officiant. i am usually pretty good at following a wedding ceremony; it's like, do you want to do this and do you want to do that...you know, fairly simple, hand-holding instructions on the very complex idea of spending your the rest of your life with one person who you may or may not like at any given moment. face it: the bride & groom are A) exhausted and B) very weepy; so, they're not really listening. save the rilke quotes and the existentialist theories about communal love and just Marry Them, Already. later, when they realize that sex doth not a marriage make, they will seek out such advice and then you can wax and wane to your heart's content about how if they give love to everyone around them they will also somehow impart it to each other and, in their desperation not to be the first sibling to get divorced, they will believe you.
  
• Good--open bar all night long. Brilliant idea: instead of inviting everyone you know to your wedding, having an open bar for an hour and then overcharging them the rest of the time for watered down drinks to make up for what you're going to have to spend on the open bar tab, only invite those people you truly love and, as a display of that love, give them an all-night open bar. also, you should advertise this in some way, especially since it's completely kosher these days to list wedding details online instead of having aunt marge tell aunt sue who will tell uncle joe, etc. etc. because, it is a proven statistic that guests who are attending an open bar wedding are 10 times more likely to bring you cash. lastly, for alcoholics like myself and my stepfather, a timed open bar can actually be much more detrimental to the overall mood of your wedding reception. take my word for that.
  
• Bad--Jewish weddings that aren't really Jewish. honestly, it's weird to have a chuppah and the breaking of the glass when the bride doesn't have 5 ugly uncles to carry her around in a chair and sing Tradition! i was actually lucky enough to sit at the matchmaker's table and he wasn't a little old lady who offered endless matches even to people who are already matched. wait, i think i'm getting weddings confused with musicals. well, still. the mixing of faiths clearly calls for ignoring such a thing all together! i, for one, was very uncomfortable when they forgot to mention that weddings are simply a precursory obligation to legally sanctioned procreation.
  
• Good--Salmon and a Veggie option.
• Bad--roasted rack of lamb. am i really the only person on the planet that thinks lamb should NOT be eaten??? sigh. whimper. throw up.
• Good--non-church affiliated locations. having your wedding at a winery is a brilliant idea because it conjures up that beloved tale of wine at a wedding without actually having to book jesus. that's a stress you don't need when planning a low-key, modern wedding.
  
• Bad--the winery was fake! well, no longer functioning is more accurate. Worse--the bartender refused to tell guests that the wine was from the winery because he "isn't a liar." i find a bartender that says he isn't a liar much like a single person marrying off two young lovers-- laughable and slightly dirty. (disclaimer: other than this, i thought the bartender was nice and kinda cute. i can say this because most of the other people working the event thought my boyfriend was nice and kinda cute. so there!)
  

honestly, all jokes aside, this wedding wasn't so bad...and i am *i hope you're sitting down for this* grateful that i got to go because i know how much thought and preparation goes into such things as a guest list and seating arrangements and the cost of a plate for someone you don't really know but they are dating your cousin after all.

now that i've said that, i can probably go ahead and kill myself. for the end is nigh... don't you think?